Rebirths can be terrifying.
They require the understanding that you have reached a point of no return, where “worse” is the only thing that lies ahead, and the acceptance that you have gone too far in this no man’s land of “bad” to take any further steps. They require the courage to accept the severity of the situation and to realise that, by allowing yourseldf a do-over, you are not giving up in the face of hardship, but getting rid of dead weight, stepping away from things that no longer bring you joy and fulfillment and growth.
Rebirths are positive. And necessary.
This blog is one of the things I am most proud of. It may not be much, it may not be big or popular, but it was born out of sincere joy, passion and excitement. I had started blogs before, and had given up on them, but I knew this one was going to be different. And it has been. Every post has been thoroughly thought out and then written with great care, but something happened along the way. Even though I was still writing about things I loved and wanted to share with the world, the words didn’t feel honest anymore. I spent too much time editing them, polishing them to the closest version of perfect I could muster.
I thought I couldn’t let cracks or vulenrabilty show. Because that was weakness.
No one wants to see weakness, do they?
But is an objective voice that uses words such as “love” and “enjoy”, or even “despise” and “hate” really any better? I now realise the answer is no. So what if there will be mistakes in these posts? Or if they get too chatty, or turn into rambles, or completely miss the point? That’s how I am, and not only do I want this blog to be something that I enjoy, I want it to be a reflection of myself.
So I am starting again.
It is not a grand rebirth, but it is still an important one. It might only be the presentation, with shades of pink and purple dominating the blog now (my happy colours), and a slight shift in the style of future posts, yet this is a subtler type of rebranding. It’s all about being true to yourself. Honesty. With all the good and the bad that accompanies it. Still talking about the things that matter to me – books, movies, TV shows, school, LGBT related topics, mental health – but getting rid of all the excessive editing that comes from over thinking. Just typing up words that resonate with me, and might do so with others, too.
Just like a phoenix can rise again from its ashes, so must we from our past.